I clearly have issues holding myself accountable and making sure that things get posted on this blog. I have had this blog for almost a year now, and despite every intention of updating it regularly, I end up going months at a time, without a single word. It's not even that I have not been writing, but I either decide to discard posts before publishing them, or they sit unfinished in my drafts. I find myself questioning what I am using this space for, when it would be much easier to write in a journal. It would also free me from the pressure to "perform" the act of writing, because that is what this feels like. I am aware that people read these posts. For a long time, I was the only one who did, but my Mindy Project, and Call Me Katie posts have received a lot of views, and additionally, people who know me in real life have found them too. I am fully aware that nothing on the internet is truly private, and I am aware that I attached my real name to this blog, (making it additionally easy to find) but it is still hard for me to accept that people read my posts. I am a fairly private person, so while I have not shared much about my personal life on here, it makes me uncomfortable to know that strangers have read details about my life. More than anything, I find it embarrassing that people have read work that I am not proud of. I know that this space is used mainly for discussing television, (an act some might deem trivial) but the point is that it is important to me. Believe me, it was not important, I would not care so much, nor would I be this hard on myself.
I spend a lot of my time writing academic research papers for school. When I started this blog, I knew that I wanted to use this space to do writing of an entirely different kind, and because of my vested interest in film and media, I thought that it would be a good idea to write about that. The problem, is that my writing has gotten terrible, both on here, and in my papers. My writing used to have logical flow, and cohesion, but now it is often an underdeveloped, unorganized, verbose mess. While I am cognizant of my own shortcomings, I have not been successful in trying to fix the problem. I thought that if I could write about anything for long enough, that I would be able to repair things, and go back to feeling proud of my work, but it has not happened yet. That is the real reason that I do not publish posts on here very often. If I was satisfied with my own work, I would not care
as much that people read it.
Despite everything that I just said, I still want to write about film and media It is true that I am unhappy with my work, and that I am self-conscious about what other people might think, but I think that is why it needs to be in a public setting. Yes, it will still feel like I am performing rather than just doing, but maybe that is the point too. While I do not need or desire external validation about my own abilities, maybe having the pressure of knowing that someone might read this, is hopefully going to force me to actually start taking my work seriously again, and write in a way that I can appreciate too. So, from now on, I will be working under the assumption that people are reading everything, and I will try for my own benefit, (and I guess yours too) to write what I am passionate about, and be as articulate about those things as I possibly can be.
I do want to apologize for another incoherent post, but I found it cathartic to get some of these thoughts out on the page. Ultimately, it is more for my benefit than anything.
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