It has been a long time since I wrote my last post. I tend to start most of my posts like this, apologizing and bemoaning the fact that I haven't written in a long time. However, this time, my hiatus has been mostly intentional. I have never been good about updating this space, despite the fact that I love having this space to write. It has allowed me to be more open with myself, and I just enjoy having a semi-public space where I can share my thoughts and ideas. But, lately I haven't felt like doing that. When I wrote my college posts back in June, I was achieving a goal that I had set out for myself, because I knew that digging through my past was going to be a difficult, but necessary bookend to my years as a student. While the posts didn't encompass everything, (far from it, in fact) I knew that I wouldn't be able to reconcile certain things without writing about them. Those posts were written at the end of a long struggle towards degree completion. At the end of it, I was sick of writing papers, sick of reading, and just exhausted both mentally and physically. That is why I have not written anything in a while. In some ways, school broke me. I went into it with a lot more enthusiasm and energy than when I left, and I have been trying to reconcile that fact for the last eight weeks.
When I was in school, I was constantly working towards a goal. When I was at community college, the goal was to do well in school, learn, mature, and get into a good four year school. I did that! When I was at the four year school that I chose, the goal was to try to adjust to a new environment, do well in school, and continue to grow as I worked towards the ultimate goal of getting a degree. I didn't do those things very well. When that happened, my goals shifted. I focused on my mental health, worked on my relationships, and my only goals became to take care of myself and finish school. It became a seemingly singular goal, but it involved a lot of hard work on my part. And I did it! However, in the last eight weeks, I have not been able to enjoy any of it. Much of this has to do with the fact that my goals are not as concrete or achievable as they used to be. It has taken this entire time to try to reassess my goals, and make new ones that fit during a time of so much uncertainty. It has been really really hard! Most of this difficulty has come about because of uncertainty, but also the confidence deflation that comes with encountering problems in "the real world" and lacking the support of other people.
Despite all of the challenges that went along with being a student, it allowed me to exist in a semi-controlled environment. As long as I was in school and working hard, people didn't ask a lot of questions. But what I forgot in the past five years, is that when you aren't in school, other adults like to ask a lot of questions. This presents itself in two ways: 1) Those who ask questions about your life and your decisions, and 2) Those who question your life decisions. Yes, there is a difference, and unfortunately both are unavoidable.
I have mentioned before that when I was a teenager, I loathed the former. I hated when adults at parties, or at church, or at family events would ask about my future plans. At the time, it was because I didn't know what I wanted, and questions about college, my major, jobs and the future made me angry and defensive. Questions like these are horrible, and they never seem to stop. Most often they come from people who don't know you very well, or who don't actually care about the answer. This frustrates me because if people are at a loss for what to say to young people, instead of asking questions that are too hard to answer in a casual conversation, ask people about their interests and hobbies. Ask them what or who makes them happy. Or shut up! People claim that they ask these questions out of concern or genuine interest, but when it becomes the only thing people ask about you, it doesn't seem as genuine. Now that I am done with college, the questions have only changed in scope, but are still just as horrible. What are you going to do with your life? Where are you going to work? What are you going to do with your degree? And the list goes on. The answer by the way, is that I am working on it. No, that isn't a dismissive answer, it's true. Jobs are hard to come by if you aren't well connected, so the question isn't always an easy one answer. I will be putting my analytical and written skills to practice when I can convince someone to hire me, even though the truth is, I use these skills every day! While I continue to look for work, I will save money, and work towards my other goals. What am I doing with my life?! I am being a young person who is tasked with making responsible decisions, and taking care of myself. As long as I am still trying to do that, that is all that should matter.
Again, I would not actually bring any of these things up to people who ask inane questions, because the truth is, if you don't actually know me well, I don't owe you an explanation or answers to your invasive questions. It has taken me a long time to learn that, but I am getting better at exercising my right to dismiss questions like this. Does this make me mean? I am not sure, because I know part of life is to form a community of support. I guess I just get to decide who is part of that network. Maybe it is easier to share the real answers to the internet, because I actually get to express my opinions, which people seldom have patience for in real life. But, if I sound a little bitter, maybe it's because I am. This brings me to my second point: People who question your life decisions, but refuse to listen to or understand your perspective.
This one is a lot harder to reconcile because instead of questions coming from essential strangers, they come from family, and people who are closest to you. This is the one that I have a more difficult time with. When you are living with people who constantly question the way you live your daily life, it isn't a healthy environment to be in. Sometimes, you have no choice. I have structured the last year and a half on the importance of taking care of my mental health. It has been a constant struggle, and it hasn't gotten easier in the last two months. If anything, this transitional period has only made it more difficult to stay on track. I have been feeling lost and confused without external structure in my life, and it has led to an essential relapse into some bad patterns of behavior. The job search has been rough, and the struggle to take care of myself physically and mentally, while also balancing relationships that are in constant flux, adds to the difficulty. The desire to be independent, but being limited or restricted financially, and emotionally makes it even harder to attempt to start the life I want for myself. So to have people in my life that question every single decision I make, is hard to swallow. I understand that life is really hard. It comes at you from all angles, and throws a lot of hardships in with the momentary great stuff, but I live for the great stuff! To know that there are people in my life who don't support my decisions really hurts, but it also doesn't mean that everything I do is wrong. I want to work through the hard parts of life, and work through the complex relationships because I know that there is good stuff on the other side of the bad. But, I also can't force people to change how they feel about me. I accepted that a long time ago. All I can do at this point is try to take care of myself, to be more compassionate, and to listen more. These seem vague even to me, but I don't know what else I can do at the moment. There is so much of life that is out of my control, so I need to remind myself to be kind and listen well to other people. I can only do that if I take better care of myself.
If these sentences seem long winded and ramble-y, that is because they are. I think that my writing has always been a good indicator of my mood. When my writing is clear and focused, it's because I am. When my writing lacks structure and goes on for too long, (like this), it's because I am lacking stability, and I don't want to edit my thoughts.
I don't know if this post had a true point. I just wanted to get back in the writing mood, and this has helped a bit. I want to use this space like I used to. It has been a lot of personal posts recently, but I want to get back to this blogs true purpose: To have musings on all the media I consume! I have posts that are still in drafts, and I have ideas inside my head that I want to write about, so I will. I probably will continue to slip in a few personal posts sometimes, because it does help me feel better. For now, I will get to work on the things that matter to me. Hopefully I will be in the writing mood, and will have new stuff up soon.
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