Near the end of my final year of college, all I wanted was to be done with school. I had grown to hate everything about college, (the people, the classes, the never-ending assignments) and so my only goal was getting my degree. My goal was so singular, that I didn't know how to plan for what I wanted next. All I thought I wanted, was the opportunity to truly rest, and focus on things that I "did not have time for" when I was a student. The problem with that line of thinking, was assuming that I would actually want to do everything I had been postponing. The reality, is that if I had learned to balance my priorities while in school, a lot of the things on my to-do list would have been accomplished already. Which brings me to this blog, and my writing.
How many times have I started a post apologizing for, or bemoaning the fact that I haven't written on here in a long time? If you said, "every single time" you would be correct! The thing is, I am not really apologizing to anyone who reads these posts. I am trying to apologize to myself. I carry around a lot of guilt about my life choices, the mistakes I have made, and the opportunities that I have missed because I was too afraid to put myself out there, or because I let my mental health get in the way of potential success. Unfortunately, it is a persistent problem, thus the knee-jerk inclination to apologize. (Note: The above was written about a month ago, and I honestly don't know where I was going with it, so the following will just be what I feel to be the logical conclusion to those thoughts).
I feel guilty when I don't get writing done, because even if no one else in the world cares, I do! It is the most cathartic tool I have, and yet I seldom use it to make myself stronger or to feel better. You may be thinking to yourself, "But if writing is really as important to you as you claim, why don't you do it more often? You can't call yourself a writer if you aren't writing!" Thus comes the rush of guilt. As I mentioned, I have been feeling so lost and dejected the last couple of months that there are days when I feel like doing next to nothing. Even as I write this I am less enthusiastic than usual. So to answer the question, why am I not writing? It is because I have a very warped sense of worth right now, and I have convinced myself that I can only write when I am feeling my best emotionally, physically and mentally. The problem with that is that I know that the "ideal time" is never going to magically appear, especially not at the rate that I have been going. The writing has to get done, even when it is difficult or even bad. So, even though I am extremely critical of my own work, and I hate the writing that I have been doing lately, I am going to try to post more often. I am not doing it for anyone but me, but I am also posting this because I need more accountability.
One of the most important things that I have realized over the last few months is that I need to make my own structure and goals. I am no longer a student, and so my time is no longer dictated by other people. My new goal needs to be centered around creating my own structure. Does this mean having the standard daytime schedule that most people have? Probably not, because it quite frankly doesn't work well for me. I like being up late at night, even if it means I see less of the sun every day. But if that becomes my schedule, I still have to be high functioning at night, and find an outlet for social interaction. Writing is such a solitary and often isolating process, but that does't mean my life has to be! In the last few weeks I have been trying to find ways to get out of my comfort zone, and communicate and interact more with other people. I know that it is the best way to continue to grow, and so I will make it a priority moving forward.
I honestly don't know where I am trying to go with this post. It is all over the place, and it is frustrating me that I can't convey what I really want to, because I am not even sure what that means right now. I just really want to post something, to see if it helps me feel better. It is a mess, and I would normally just delete it, but here it is!
I feel guilty when I don't get writing done, because even if no one else in the world cares, I do! It is the most cathartic tool I have, and yet I seldom use it to make myself stronger or to feel better. You may be thinking to yourself, "But if writing is really as important to you as you claim, why don't you do it more often? You can't call yourself a writer if you aren't writing!" Thus comes the rush of guilt. As I mentioned, I have been feeling so lost and dejected the last couple of months that there are days when I feel like doing next to nothing. Even as I write this I am less enthusiastic than usual. So to answer the question, why am I not writing? It is because I have a very warped sense of worth right now, and I have convinced myself that I can only write when I am feeling my best emotionally, physically and mentally. The problem with that is that I know that the "ideal time" is never going to magically appear, especially not at the rate that I have been going. The writing has to get done, even when it is difficult or even bad. So, even though I am extremely critical of my own work, and I hate the writing that I have been doing lately, I am going to try to post more often. I am not doing it for anyone but me, but I am also posting this because I need more accountability.
One of the most important things that I have realized over the last few months is that I need to make my own structure and goals. I am no longer a student, and so my time is no longer dictated by other people. My new goal needs to be centered around creating my own structure. Does this mean having the standard daytime schedule that most people have? Probably not, because it quite frankly doesn't work well for me. I like being up late at night, even if it means I see less of the sun every day. But if that becomes my schedule, I still have to be high functioning at night, and find an outlet for social interaction. Writing is such a solitary and often isolating process, but that does't mean my life has to be! In the last few weeks I have been trying to find ways to get out of my comfort zone, and communicate and interact more with other people. I know that it is the best way to continue to grow, and so I will make it a priority moving forward.
I honestly don't know where I am trying to go with this post. It is all over the place, and it is frustrating me that I can't convey what I really want to, because I am not even sure what that means right now. I just really want to post something, to see if it helps me feel better. It is a mess, and I would normally just delete it, but here it is!
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